


Parenting Problems

by Mayarene Rose (Paradise_of_Mary_Jane)



Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: Damian's Pet Problems, Family, Fluff, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 17:10:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14024847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane/pseuds/Mayarene%20Rose
Summary: Damian wants another dog. Bruce doesn't want to get him another dog. He seeks Dick's advice.Dick is not impressed.





	Parenting Problems

Dick is doing his stretches in the cave when Bruce walks in, all business, and says,

“We need to talk.”

He’s not using his Batman voice, but his ‘Bruce Wayne who is a CEO who actually sometimes does his job’ voice, so Dick doesn’t think it’s  _ that  _ important. He continues stretching.

“Dick…” There’s a note of warning in Bruce’s voice. Dick rolls his eyes.

“I’m all ears, boss,” he says.

Dick stands on two hands, glancing at an upside down Bruce curiously. Bruce looks back, just as curious and a little baffled and probably a little apprehensive and terrified, but pretending he isn’t any of that. Dick doesn’t know why he still does it. It’s been twenty years and never once has he fooled Dick.

“You’re staring,” Dick says.

“It’s about Damian,” Bruce says briskly.

Dick snorts. He goes to a single handstand and splits his legs.

“What did he do now?” he asks.

Bruce remains silent. Just keeps on staring, like Dick can figure out the problem if he thinks it hard enough. Dick resists the urge to sigh.

“We’ve talked about this,” he says. “Use your words and our lives will be much easier.”

Bruce blinks. Dick switches to the other hand and wonders if he can pull off a double flip into the vertical bars. He probably can. He’ll try once Bruce manages to spit out the problem. Waiting for the guy to talk is great endurance training.

They just kinda stare at each other for a while. The longest stare off the two of them had was when Dick was ten and asking for a motorcycle for Robin. It lasted three hours and made them late for patrol. It only ended because Alfred came to remind them that the streets of Gotham will not be protecting themselves.

Dick got the motorcycle three weeks later.

“It’s… He wants another dog,” Bruce blurts out, in as much as Bruce Wayne can actually blurt something out, which means that he really sort of grunts it in a very gruff manner with a kind of growl.

“You don’t want to get him another dog,” Dick says. He goes back to standing on two hands and brings his legs together.

“He already has a dog. And two cats. And feeds several other strays.”

“And a cow.”

“And a cow.” Bruce runs a tired hand through his face. He looks every bit the tired father of six that he sometimes still seems like he’s in denial about.

Dick shrugs. It’s kinda like a handstand push up and he has no idea what it actually looks like, or if it actually looks like a shrug, but Bruce gets it anyway. He doesn’t leap yet because this isn’t the problem and they both know it.

“Then tell him no,” he says.

Bruce doesn’t answer. Bafflement takes over his expression for half a second before turning back into a cool mask.

“You’re his father, you know,” Dick continues. “You are allowed to tell him that you’re not buying him things. That’s what most fathers would do. It’s perfectly reasonable.”

Bruce doesn’t answer. Dick sighs and goes for a few actual handstand push ups. This is going to take a while, which is a shame. Dick is itching to start flying.

He gets to thirty before Bruce finally says,

“What if he’s… upset?”

Dick grins and pushes himself upward. He gets a double flip in before his legs catch the vertical bars. Finally!

So much closer to the trapeze. A few spins on the vertical bars--

Except, it’s kinda hard to hear when he does that and Bruce looks like his voice is about to start murmuring. Bruce has a tendency to murmur when he’s uncomfortable.

“He’ll live if he doesn’t have another dog,” Dick says. “He’ll throw a tantrum for a while, probably throw a few knives with it and stay with the Kents far more than you’ll approve, then he’ll get over it.”

“Damian holds grudges.”

“He’s thirteen. Of course he holds grudges.” Dick swings back and forth with his legs. There’s a very exact angle he has to be in, a very exact tension to his muscles needed so he can launch himself from these bars and to the trapeze with a quadruple flip in-between. It’s the kind of thing that needs warming up.

“... I don’t want to upset him,” Bruce says.

Dick rolls his eyes. “You literally threw me off a roof once and called it training. I’m sure you can figure out how to say no to Damian.”

“You asked to be thrown off the roof. Vehemently”

Did he? He doesn’t really have a memory of the lead up to it, only that it had happened and it had been great. He probably did. It sounds like something he’d ask. Probably called him a toad along the way. He needs something better.

“You forced me to go to college,” he accuses.

“It’s for your future.”

“And so is not getting another dog,” Dick says. “Damian needs to learn how to settle for what he already has.”

A few minutes of absolute silence except for Dick swinging. Bruce just looks at him. Dick resists the urge to look away.

“Okay,” he finally concedes after the five minute mark. “We are living on an endless supply of money and his grandfather has access to things that bring things back to life and it’s a stupid thing to tell him. Do you have any better ideas?”

“...That’s why I’m asking you,” Bruce says. “You are much better with him.”

Dick swings back and forth for a few more seconds. His legs are starting to burn, which means he needs to go for the jump soon. But not before he parses out Bruce’s words first. There’s something in his tone, the way he worded it, that is a bit unsettling.

“You ass,” he says when he gets it, and an automatic “language,” comes out of Bruce’s mouth. Dick ignores him. He launches for the trapeze.

He only gets a triple flip in. He blames Bruce entirely.

“I am not going to be the one to talk to him about this,” Dick says. “I am the cool big brother. You are the grouchy father. I like things the way it is.”

“... I don’t want to upset him,” Bruce says again.

Dick pauses. Arms this time. He likes swinging with arms. “The way I see it, you have two choices: you tell Damian that no, he cannot get another dog and he’s upset for a while but gets over it, or you don’t tell him no and he’ll eventually manage to turn the manor into the zoo.”

Bruce doesn’t answer. Dick did not need to say any of that, but there are things with Bruce that needs to be said out loud for the idiot to acknowledge. 

“I’m moving permanently to Bludhaven if that happens, by the way,” he adds.

The look on Bruce’s face is hilarious. He opens his mouth to say something, when a familiar set of footsteps descend to the cave. Along with a very distinct sound. Dick lets out a laugh, loud and maybe a little mocking. The look on Bruce’s face can only be described as terrified. 

“Seems you lost your chance, boss,” he says, and launches himself to the platform. He’ll fly later. He needs to be not upside down for this.

“Father,” Damian says, carrying three puppies in his arms. “I found these two other puppies and simply could not abandon them. I’d like to ask your advice on naming them…”

Dick lets Damian’s voice wash over him and turn his grin into the fond smile that’s just for the kid. Tim has a different smile, so does Cass, because his siblings are special and they deserve their own smiles. Jason would have one too, if he stops being an asshole for long enough for Dick to actually smile at him.

His eyes wander to Bruce whose hands are twitching in the way it does when he’s resisting the urge to bury his face in his hands and scream because he was, once again, defeated by a kid who has not even started shaving yet.

Dick laughs again. Just another day in the family.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on [tumblr](https://discowlng.tumblr.com) if y'all want to chat :D Your comments give me life <33


End file.
